Chapter 6
I have written about my childhood and youth, early manhood, prayer
for love, marriage, intellectual work, questions and answers, longing for
experience of the upper levels and the misusing of every means at my disposal,
including tongues, dreams, the development circle, and hypnotic regression in a
fruitless attempt to achieve it, and long years in the doldrums seeming to make
little progress, with some of the things that lightened this period. Now it is
time to wrap up the story. On re-reading St Teresa I realised that some of my
experiences were of level seven, for I had perceived the distinction between
soul and spirit and had clearly experienced the latter. At the same time I felt
skewed. Part of me experienced level seven, but the rest was on all the other
levels. I had assumed that a mystic made a dignified, magisterial progression
through all the levels in turn, and inhabited each level in his or her
entirety. Why I should have thought this is not obvious in the light of St
Teresa’s clear statement to the contrary: “It is true that at first this
happens in such a short space of time – so, at least, it was with me – that
because of its rapidity it can be detected neither by these outward signs nor
by the failure of the senses. But the exceeding abundance of the favours
granted to the soul clearly indicates how bright has been the sun that has
shone upon it and has caused the soul to melt away”. (1) The fact is
that mystical experience is fleeting, unpredictable, and difficult to
interpret. What is more, the mystic spends most of his time on levels one and
two, with occasional or even reasonably frequent brief excursions with part of
his consciousness to levels three to seven.
Level seven experience does not need to be striven for. It happens with the greatest gentleness and lack of strife or wanting. Once experienced, it permeates all other thinking and feeling, unless temporarily forgotten. The basic experience of level seven is an awareness of identity, very calm, very deep.
This is a spiritual perception, and neither the mode of perception, not the content of that which is perceived can be put into words. If you try to describe a level seven experience from the outside, in the conceptual terms of level five, you cannot do better than Brother Lawrence: “It is not a mere expression of the heart as if one should say: ‘My God, I love you with all my heart’ – or some such words. It is an indescribable something of the soul, sweet, peaceful, spiritual, reverent, humble, loving and utterly simple. It lifts the soul and impels it to love God, even to lay hold of him, with emotions beyond description, and which experience alone can make us understand.”
The author of The Cloud of Unknowing describes a very similar experience thus, but does not put it into a category: “Very often it may happen that a soul in this mortal body, for abundance of grace in multiplying of his desire, as often and as long as God vouchsafes to work it, shall have suddenly and perfectly lost and forgotten all consciousness and awareness of his being, not caring whether he has been holy or wretched. But whether this happens often or seldom to a soul that is thus disposed, I believe that it lasts only for a very short while. (2)
I had two puzzling level seven experiences. I knew I was at level seven. There was nowhere further to go. But I felt nothing else at all. I simply did not know what to do. Knowing it was pointless, I put on some music. It was as though a man was in his lover’s bedroom, and expected her to be there, but couldn’t see her. So he went out of the room, closed the door, and sung a serenade to win entry. Another time the same thing happened. This time I simply stayed in that state. Afterwards I wondered whether the purpose of these experiences was to confirm me in level seven, so that it is not something done to me, but something which I do. On further reflection, I think it is so that I don’t expect to meet another. There is only me or only God. I do not share the language of union used by others. It is not that two are made one, it is that there is only one, at least only one is felt. Rather disconcertingly perhaps, it is immaterial what you call that one.
I had another level seven experience of a surprising kind one night in our flat looking out over Cardiff Bay. All the lights of Cardiff were on, and it was beautiful. I felt a total absolute aloneness. It was not any sort of heart loneliness. Pauline was downstairs, and nothing was stopping me going to see her. It was an aloneness far too deep for pain. I knew that there was nothing in the whole universe that could understand me. All the activity in the world was like play acting by comparison with the reality of this experience. I would meet with others, certainly, but I too would be play acting. This must have been the experience that I had partially felt when I came down to earth after my long prayer as described at the end of Chapter 3. Anna had an experience like this and she took Fynn with her spiritually. “Do not swear Fynn”. St Teresa describes such an experience in Chapter 20 of her Life. “And this desire, which in a single moment penetrates to the very depths of the soul, begins to weary it so much that the soul soars upwards, far above itself and above all created things, and God causes it to be so completely bereft of everything that, however hard it may strive to do so, it can find nothing on earth to bear it company”.
Level seven experience can never be forgotten, that is, it can be forgotten quite easily, but the irradiation of the entire system is permanent, and the awareness of it can easily be recovered. The work now is to live on the levels irradiated with the fact of the level seven experience. This joins the lower levels to the higher, and raises the whole ensemble. More than that, “All men living on earth are wonderfully helped by this work, you know not how”, (3) and you find that individuals are “pleased in spirit and helped by grace to God in [your] presence”. (4) Also this is answered: “for God will be served with body and with soul, both together, as is seemly.” (5)
So if, or rather since I experienced level seven, presumably I must have experienced the other levels. Level six is obvious. The best music often goes to level six, and I have often gone with it.(6) Also on level six is the worship inspired by the Holy Spirit in renewal days, and the beatific vision.
I have ascribed to level five the realm which gives rise to thoughts and concepts, following other writers. I say again that mystical experience is fleeting and difficult to interpret. It is nevertheless primary. Allocation of it to any particular level is secondary, and to some extent arbitrary. It is also metaphorical, for the levels are not like shelves in a cupboard. The clearest example of work at this level must be the campaign of thought described in Chapter 5.
I have already described a major experience of growth at level four. Clearly we must have bodies in some sense on all the levels. Performers habitually operate on a certain level, which I take to be level four, the level of the heart and of emotions. Any good performance comes from the heart. I was once at a concert, and expecting to respond at this level. I was aware before the downbeat of a feeling that said “I’m nervous” which seemed to come from the soprano soloist. As soon as I sensed this, she glanced at me. I accepted the feeling, tried to hold it with me and neutralise it, sent out feelings of support, and just before she was due to get up, sent out a thought as “loudly” as I could: Go for it. Obviously I have no evidence that there was any communication, apart from that glance, but she sang an excellent concert.
Level three is the level of dreams, psychic experience and the beautiful garden, also of immediate after-death experience. At its evil end it is the region of earthbound souls. An experience probably of level three is one that I have had fairly often. It is Saturday or a holiday, and I am lazily lying on my bed with no obligation to go to work or do anything. I am looking through the window at the grey sky, not thinking anything. The appearance of the sky changes. It seems to shine. I feel refreshed, special, contented, connected, known, by means of an inward feeling faculty.
The physical sometimes gets a bad press. Plato thought it was the realm of illusion. Others talk of the split between body and spirit. The truth is, that the physical and the life of the physical are levels one and two of spirit, not separate at all. For this reason, all physical experiences can be enjoyed. How immediate they are! I doubt they are more communicable than level seven experiences. I wake up in the morning, and my system comes gradually to life, protesting vigorously for a little while. Surely it can’t be that time already. How warm and cosy the bed is. There is the feel of warm water on the skin, the feel of clothes, the taste of breakfast. It is so easy to experience, and so easy to miss.
Though I had experienced all these things, I felt nonetheless that I was in the doldrums, or that I was like an engine firing on two cylinders. I had yearned for a long time to express myself fully to another human being, whether a healer, or a counsellor, or an expert in prayer. Eventually I was able to see a counsellor through work. Her outlook is by no means the same as mine, but through her generosity of spirit and professional expertise the experience was extremely fruitful. I told her about firing on two cylinders and about the experiences related here. I was full of angst concerning my job. Surely I can find a more meaningful job than this? I told her how my sister was interested in spiritual things, and how I had found in my late forties that I now had a real relationship with her. It took many weeks. When I had said all this, and little had changed, except for some understanding, and the sheer experience of communicating with an intelligent, interested human being, I thought that the experience, though valuable, would have to remain incomplete. I was amazed when she said it would probably only take two more weeks. She asked me what good I could say about myself, and I mentioned some qualities, and that did it. I realised that these qualities were ones that I had tried over decades to acquire, and that I had done this myself. That this striving and work was not meaningless, nor irrelevant, nor a waste of time, nor foolish, but meaningful. With this sense of recognition, acceptance and joy there was also a curious feeling of loss. I was much moved, and so was my counsellor. She pronounced the words that I longed to hear, but dreaded to speak, that it was sufficient for me to be, not to worry about what I am doing for a job. Also she suggested that I write this book. Now I feel as though I am firing on four cylinders, or perhaps I should say seven. And I can do no other than acknowledge that the second part of my long prayer for love, that I wanted to be a mystic, was answered. I had read that mystical experience was more for those in contemplative orders than in active ones, and not at all for those “in the world,” or those who are married. But it is! I had hoped in this connection that Margery Kempe, who was married, would have had some valuable insights on being a mystic, but she became celibate. Nevertheless her book is of great interest. I have seen the noble church in Kings Lynn, which was her home town. I love one of the incidents in York. She believed God had told her to wear white clothes, and so she did. A clergyman in the Minster took her by the collar of her gown, and said “You wolf, what is this cloth that you have on?” Some children of the Minster, perhaps choirboys said “Sir, it is wool.” (7)
I do have another vision to share. This was hypnogogic, that is, experienced between sleeping and waking. Out of me was flowing a stream of the purest water, sparkling in the light. It was a joy to see. There was another stream, of dark lumpy sewage, flowing just as copiously from me. It was awful. I had been having a lovely time in level seven, and I wondered if I had become proud, and this was the sewage, but that didn’t seem to be right. Plato has an image of a chariot with two horses of similarly disparate natures. I think it was probably information about the human condition. In the first place, one can pretend to be all good, but it isn’t true. (I am not speaking of good in a moral sense). If this is not acknowledged, the evil will emerge in some uncontrolled manner. If it is acknowledged, the evil is directed into a convenient drain by some hidden process that does not interest me. Secondly I begin to wonder whether the universe is constructed on principles of double-entry book keeping, where every spiritual positive has a corresponding spiritual negative. Anna knew that each created entity has its opposite, which she beautifully demonstrated with a stretched piece of burst balloon. By poking her finger at it, she made a representation of a man’s bit and a woman’s bit in the same act. (8)
1. Life, Chapter 18
2. Chapter 13, gently modernised.
3. Cloud Chapter 3
4. Cloud Chapter 54
5. Cloud Chapter 48
6. One thinks of Bach’s Matthew Passion, or B minor Mass, particularly the opening of the Credo, and the Sanctus, Beethoven’s Missa Solemnis, the intense stillness of the Qui Sedes, in the Gloria of Fayrfax’ Missa Albanus, Carver’s 19 part O Bone Jesu, the second Agnus of Palestrina’s Missa Papae Marcelli and plenty more.
7. Book of Margery Kempe, ch 50, modernised.
8. Fynn: Mister God, This is Anna
Level seven experience does not need to be striven for. It happens with the greatest gentleness and lack of strife or wanting. Once experienced, it permeates all other thinking and feeling, unless temporarily forgotten. The basic experience of level seven is an awareness of identity, very calm, very deep.
This is a spiritual perception, and neither the mode of perception, not the content of that which is perceived can be put into words. If you try to describe a level seven experience from the outside, in the conceptual terms of level five, you cannot do better than Brother Lawrence: “It is not a mere expression of the heart as if one should say: ‘My God, I love you with all my heart’ – or some such words. It is an indescribable something of the soul, sweet, peaceful, spiritual, reverent, humble, loving and utterly simple. It lifts the soul and impels it to love God, even to lay hold of him, with emotions beyond description, and which experience alone can make us understand.”
The author of The Cloud of Unknowing describes a very similar experience thus, but does not put it into a category: “Very often it may happen that a soul in this mortal body, for abundance of grace in multiplying of his desire, as often and as long as God vouchsafes to work it, shall have suddenly and perfectly lost and forgotten all consciousness and awareness of his being, not caring whether he has been holy or wretched. But whether this happens often or seldom to a soul that is thus disposed, I believe that it lasts only for a very short while. (2)
I had two puzzling level seven experiences. I knew I was at level seven. There was nowhere further to go. But I felt nothing else at all. I simply did not know what to do. Knowing it was pointless, I put on some music. It was as though a man was in his lover’s bedroom, and expected her to be there, but couldn’t see her. So he went out of the room, closed the door, and sung a serenade to win entry. Another time the same thing happened. This time I simply stayed in that state. Afterwards I wondered whether the purpose of these experiences was to confirm me in level seven, so that it is not something done to me, but something which I do. On further reflection, I think it is so that I don’t expect to meet another. There is only me or only God. I do not share the language of union used by others. It is not that two are made one, it is that there is only one, at least only one is felt. Rather disconcertingly perhaps, it is immaterial what you call that one.
I had another level seven experience of a surprising kind one night in our flat looking out over Cardiff Bay. All the lights of Cardiff were on, and it was beautiful. I felt a total absolute aloneness. It was not any sort of heart loneliness. Pauline was downstairs, and nothing was stopping me going to see her. It was an aloneness far too deep for pain. I knew that there was nothing in the whole universe that could understand me. All the activity in the world was like play acting by comparison with the reality of this experience. I would meet with others, certainly, but I too would be play acting. This must have been the experience that I had partially felt when I came down to earth after my long prayer as described at the end of Chapter 3. Anna had an experience like this and she took Fynn with her spiritually. “Do not swear Fynn”. St Teresa describes such an experience in Chapter 20 of her Life. “And this desire, which in a single moment penetrates to the very depths of the soul, begins to weary it so much that the soul soars upwards, far above itself and above all created things, and God causes it to be so completely bereft of everything that, however hard it may strive to do so, it can find nothing on earth to bear it company”.
Level seven experience can never be forgotten, that is, it can be forgotten quite easily, but the irradiation of the entire system is permanent, and the awareness of it can easily be recovered. The work now is to live on the levels irradiated with the fact of the level seven experience. This joins the lower levels to the higher, and raises the whole ensemble. More than that, “All men living on earth are wonderfully helped by this work, you know not how”, (3) and you find that individuals are “pleased in spirit and helped by grace to God in [your] presence”. (4) Also this is answered: “for God will be served with body and with soul, both together, as is seemly.” (5)
So if, or rather since I experienced level seven, presumably I must have experienced the other levels. Level six is obvious. The best music often goes to level six, and I have often gone with it.(6) Also on level six is the worship inspired by the Holy Spirit in renewal days, and the beatific vision.
I have ascribed to level five the realm which gives rise to thoughts and concepts, following other writers. I say again that mystical experience is fleeting and difficult to interpret. It is nevertheless primary. Allocation of it to any particular level is secondary, and to some extent arbitrary. It is also metaphorical, for the levels are not like shelves in a cupboard. The clearest example of work at this level must be the campaign of thought described in Chapter 5.
I have already described a major experience of growth at level four. Clearly we must have bodies in some sense on all the levels. Performers habitually operate on a certain level, which I take to be level four, the level of the heart and of emotions. Any good performance comes from the heart. I was once at a concert, and expecting to respond at this level. I was aware before the downbeat of a feeling that said “I’m nervous” which seemed to come from the soprano soloist. As soon as I sensed this, she glanced at me. I accepted the feeling, tried to hold it with me and neutralise it, sent out feelings of support, and just before she was due to get up, sent out a thought as “loudly” as I could: Go for it. Obviously I have no evidence that there was any communication, apart from that glance, but she sang an excellent concert.
Level three is the level of dreams, psychic experience and the beautiful garden, also of immediate after-death experience. At its evil end it is the region of earthbound souls. An experience probably of level three is one that I have had fairly often. It is Saturday or a holiday, and I am lazily lying on my bed with no obligation to go to work or do anything. I am looking through the window at the grey sky, not thinking anything. The appearance of the sky changes. It seems to shine. I feel refreshed, special, contented, connected, known, by means of an inward feeling faculty.
The physical sometimes gets a bad press. Plato thought it was the realm of illusion. Others talk of the split between body and spirit. The truth is, that the physical and the life of the physical are levels one and two of spirit, not separate at all. For this reason, all physical experiences can be enjoyed. How immediate they are! I doubt they are more communicable than level seven experiences. I wake up in the morning, and my system comes gradually to life, protesting vigorously for a little while. Surely it can’t be that time already. How warm and cosy the bed is. There is the feel of warm water on the skin, the feel of clothes, the taste of breakfast. It is so easy to experience, and so easy to miss.
Though I had experienced all these things, I felt nonetheless that I was in the doldrums, or that I was like an engine firing on two cylinders. I had yearned for a long time to express myself fully to another human being, whether a healer, or a counsellor, or an expert in prayer. Eventually I was able to see a counsellor through work. Her outlook is by no means the same as mine, but through her generosity of spirit and professional expertise the experience was extremely fruitful. I told her about firing on two cylinders and about the experiences related here. I was full of angst concerning my job. Surely I can find a more meaningful job than this? I told her how my sister was interested in spiritual things, and how I had found in my late forties that I now had a real relationship with her. It took many weeks. When I had said all this, and little had changed, except for some understanding, and the sheer experience of communicating with an intelligent, interested human being, I thought that the experience, though valuable, would have to remain incomplete. I was amazed when she said it would probably only take two more weeks. She asked me what good I could say about myself, and I mentioned some qualities, and that did it. I realised that these qualities were ones that I had tried over decades to acquire, and that I had done this myself. That this striving and work was not meaningless, nor irrelevant, nor a waste of time, nor foolish, but meaningful. With this sense of recognition, acceptance and joy there was also a curious feeling of loss. I was much moved, and so was my counsellor. She pronounced the words that I longed to hear, but dreaded to speak, that it was sufficient for me to be, not to worry about what I am doing for a job. Also she suggested that I write this book. Now I feel as though I am firing on four cylinders, or perhaps I should say seven. And I can do no other than acknowledge that the second part of my long prayer for love, that I wanted to be a mystic, was answered. I had read that mystical experience was more for those in contemplative orders than in active ones, and not at all for those “in the world,” or those who are married. But it is! I had hoped in this connection that Margery Kempe, who was married, would have had some valuable insights on being a mystic, but she became celibate. Nevertheless her book is of great interest. I have seen the noble church in Kings Lynn, which was her home town. I love one of the incidents in York. She believed God had told her to wear white clothes, and so she did. A clergyman in the Minster took her by the collar of her gown, and said “You wolf, what is this cloth that you have on?” Some children of the Minster, perhaps choirboys said “Sir, it is wool.” (7)
I do have another vision to share. This was hypnogogic, that is, experienced between sleeping and waking. Out of me was flowing a stream of the purest water, sparkling in the light. It was a joy to see. There was another stream, of dark lumpy sewage, flowing just as copiously from me. It was awful. I had been having a lovely time in level seven, and I wondered if I had become proud, and this was the sewage, but that didn’t seem to be right. Plato has an image of a chariot with two horses of similarly disparate natures. I think it was probably information about the human condition. In the first place, one can pretend to be all good, but it isn’t true. (I am not speaking of good in a moral sense). If this is not acknowledged, the evil will emerge in some uncontrolled manner. If it is acknowledged, the evil is directed into a convenient drain by some hidden process that does not interest me. Secondly I begin to wonder whether the universe is constructed on principles of double-entry book keeping, where every spiritual positive has a corresponding spiritual negative. Anna knew that each created entity has its opposite, which she beautifully demonstrated with a stretched piece of burst balloon. By poking her finger at it, she made a representation of a man’s bit and a woman’s bit in the same act. (8)
1. Life, Chapter 18
2. Chapter 13, gently modernised.
3. Cloud Chapter 3
4. Cloud Chapter 54
5. Cloud Chapter 48
6. One thinks of Bach’s Matthew Passion, or B minor Mass, particularly the opening of the Credo, and the Sanctus, Beethoven’s Missa Solemnis, the intense stillness of the Qui Sedes, in the Gloria of Fayrfax’ Missa Albanus, Carver’s 19 part O Bone Jesu, the second Agnus of Palestrina’s Missa Papae Marcelli and plenty more.
7. Book of Margery Kempe, ch 50, modernised.
8. Fynn: Mister God, This is Anna